Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
