I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
