He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
