Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
