I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
