I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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