I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
