the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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