i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
