I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
