I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
