Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
honey bunches of taint.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
