My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
