i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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