Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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