my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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