I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
