Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
