Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
