I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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