Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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