either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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