i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
