sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
