I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
