you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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