i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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