if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
