It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
