Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
