Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
