1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
