I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
