She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
