So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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