Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."