what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
