why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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