So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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