I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
