Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
