She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
