He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
