I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
