and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
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I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
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These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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