So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I need moral support for this bender
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
