she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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