I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
