he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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