I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
