I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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