Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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