I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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