bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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