Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
