I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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