I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
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I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
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Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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